Hmmm…

The battle rages inside and I’m feeling the effects on the outside. Can’t concentrate as well, stuff seems less interesting – almost an out-of-body experience, actually. But hey, I’m plugging away. The nausea has been at bay for the most part, but stupid acid-reflux is a killer now. Doc says it’s a result of the chemo, so I’m getting another prescription to keep it down. Yet another medication! Finding it somewhat difficult to not be productive. Funny, when you get used to “doing” all the time and analyzing everything in terms of “what you get done” it’s hard to take a step back and not do. I’ve become so hardwired that way. Right now my body is fighting away at this and I need to concentrate on that. Imagine though, if I were suffering this anywhere else in the world? In a developing country? A place where there is no time to stop “doing”, because “doing” means living another day. Reminds me to be grateful to be fighting this disease under these circumstances. Sure, it sucks, I can’t deny that. But it sucks a whole lot more for people who can’t afford simple treatments or put food in their belly. Actually, it more than sucks. It’s unjust. No one should suffer that. But they do. And we allow it to happen. Every day. I know, I’m getting up on my soapbox. It’s gonna happen. Not to be depressing though. Just to hit home a point. That we’re all in this together. Our suffering – it’s all the same. The good news is, we can do a lot to change it. That’s all I’ll say for now, before I ramble on to much! But I assure you, to be...

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Learning how to eat (during treatment!)

Those of you who know me, know that I have what you might call a ferocious appetite. Some people eat to live. I live to eat. I just love food! So this whole anti-nausea, appetite changing business has been a tough adjustment. I think I’m starting to catch on though. The trick is, as soon as I have a craving and get an appetite for something – I need to go for it! It’s almost as if my body demands a certain food. Perhaps it wants the vitamins and minerals in that food, or perhaps it just knows that food will make me happy. Whatever the reason, the scrambled eggs with homefries and toast did the trick for me this morning. Mmm… Of course tomorrow, that same meal could disgust me. That is the tricky part to all of this. Every day a new set of taste buds arise. I dunno, maybe it’ll be a good opportunity to try new things; branch out! I do know one thing: I will continue eating. And with every meal, I will have the knowledge that the cancer is losing this battle. Period. Today started off pretty bad – very sick, weak and full of nausea. As I write this though, I’m feeling much better. Staying on top of things today with drugs and food – major allies in this battle. Got to spend some quality time with Dad at the hospital today too and with my Mom at home. So easy to take that time for granted, and sad that it takes something like this to make it happen. But I really am enjoying it so much. Ubuntu. It’s an African Zulu word that means “I am because we are”. Many reading my blog will recognize the word as it is my all-time favorite – and I’m sure I’ll quote it many more times. It gets at the very essence of how we define ourselves as human beings. We are only human with and through other humans. That is the essence of humanity. Food and drugs are wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But Ubuntu will truly be my saving...

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Hold your ground!
Jun14

Hold your ground!

Cumulative effects are a’coming. Chemo builds up and the nausea gets worse. Never experienced such constant nausea before, but the pills are helping. Just trying to stay ahead of it, which is difficult. Appetite is all over the place. Also feeling weaker and finding it harder to concentrate. I guess this is all to be expected when the body gets pumped full of this toxin. I like to imagine the chemo and cancer are having a pretty epic showdown right now. Lord of the Rings style. I’m throwing pills on the front line and Cancer is goin’ down. Only one more day of chemo before I get a break, until Thursday. Looking forward to that. Nurses continue to amaze me. Such deep compassion and love. I’m feeling the struggle that this is going to be and I couldn’t do it alone. Blessed to have so many wonderful people around me. I’ll get through this. One day at a time. Oh and I’ve decided that Aragorn is leading my chemo troops. Enjoy this badass quote from The Return of the King: ” Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!” Sent from my Verizon Wireless...

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The Good Days and the Bad Days

Well yesterday was a good day. Even after I got home I kept on eating, had some delicious haddock cooked by me ma. Didn’t even have to take anti-nausea stuff. Too bad I didn’t though, because today is not such a good day. Started with nausea and even now after the meds in the hospital, I’m not feeling too great. Should be heading home soon though, which will be nice. Couple lessons learned: 1) its ok to rely on the drugs they give me to take home, and I shall! 2) there will be good days and bad days, ups and downs, just as in life. I try to remember that without the bad days, there can’t really be good days. Its all relative. Yes, its true the bad days will suck, but the good days will be all the brighter.Sent from my Verizon Wireless...

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Day Two

Last night was tough. I was surprised by how quickly I felt the effects of chemo. Nausea came on, but the meds helped. Lost some appetite too, but today I’m feeling better. Got the chemo running now, been here since 8:30 so another long day, but should be done soon! Met an interesting character today. He was receiving chemo next to me, in his fifties, and he has terminal cancer. He had this tidbit of wisdom to share: “Every day is a gift from God…as long as you’re gettin’ laid.” Three more full days to go, before I get a break. Though I’m told week two is tougher. Between all the water they tell me to drink and the fluids they give me through the IV, I’ve never peed so much in my life! I’m pretty sure I could just start bottling and selling it as water. But I won’t… Thank you all for the wonderful comments, by the way, I read them as they come in and they always put a smile on my face and give me a boost of good energy 🙂 Sent from my Verizon Wireless...

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Anticlimactic!
Jun11

Anticlimactic!

Just finishing my final dose of chemo for the day! I must say its all very anticlimactic. Certainly not complaining, but the chemo doesn’t feel like anything really. Though they have loaded me with some anti-nausea meds so I guess that has something to do with it. There is quite the list of potential side effects, but I’m hopeful that I don’t suffer them too badly. Before starting today I was kind of hoping that I’d be alone with my family in the room. But after being here for this long day, I can say it’s so comforting to be with other people who are going through the same thing. I already feel a strong sense of community here; an invisible bond that connects us. And I feel ashamed at ever thinking I’d be better off in a private room, separated from these people. The care here at Dana Farber is incredible. Not only the level of skill, but also the level of compassion. I feel very comfortable here and blessed to have such a high level of care. The IV is beeping now, which concludes my first day of chemotherapy! Woot woot! Sent from my Verizon Wireless...

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