I believe I can accurately say that these last few days have been most physically arduous of my life. I do not drop those words lightly, because they are packed with quite a punch. This last 5-day treatment was excruciating. First and foremost they were filled with debilitating nausea – the worst yet. It is a form of nausea that takes no prisoners and won’t let me concentrate on anything for too long of a time (reason for my lack of blogging, by the way). I always find it difficult to accurately gauge pain, because at any point the game can change, but this was some of the worst I’ve ever experienced. I clung to the pills and they offered some relief, but it wasn’t enough.
I found myself clinging to something altogether higher: positivity. Make no mistake, this exercise was absolutely ludicrous at times; doubled over in pain, trying to “think happy thoughts”. Amazing it is though, that we can still grab at that goodness, amidst such pain. It can be done.
I thought about the love that I have from so, so many people. A love that I never even knew surrounded me. I thought about all of the experiences I’ve had, the places I’ve been, the things I’ve done. My achievements and what I’m most proud of in life. I thought about all of the comments that give me energy every day as I read them on this blog. The courage and strength that support shines on me. I thought about God – How I feel I am in His arms throughout this.
I thought about Jesus. How he suffered. I thought about those who suffer like this, daily. Knowing my suffering is temporary offers such consolation, but I can’t imagine the unknowing. So many people face it, every day. I tried to suffer with them. In solidarity. But I don’t feel strong enough for that kind of suffering and I am just awe-struck by it. Perhaps a newfound respect for that suffering is one of the many lessons I can learn from this experience. Perhaps what I have to learn is that I still have so much to learn.
Today I feel as though I’m coming out the other end, starting to feel better and having more control. Tomorrow I’ll face another short dose of chemo, which will set me back a bit, but it will be much more temporary. Then I’ll have a week off, which I am totally psyched for. Big sigh of relief.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, support, love and care. I hope I’ve been able to convey how much of a difference it really does make.